The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
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Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.