@ItsAndyRyan

The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.

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@notthattom

i talk to dumb ppl the same way i talk to a puppy…

“who’s blocking the exit?? WHO? who’s blockin’ the way!?! YOU are! yes you are!!!”

@SondraDeeMe

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

@Mr_Kapowski

Voiceover: Continued use of this drug may cause but isn’t limited to blurry vision, nausea, knowing the lyrics to the Macarena, diarrhea

@parttimewinner

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

@fanofhell

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

@wolfpupy

we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

@the_gramble

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

@MelvinofYork

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

@pleatedjeans

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him