i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
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Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.