Very suspicious that this keeps happening
The entire city of Detroit burned down last night. Estimated damage is $6.
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She’s not my fake internet girlfriend, she’s my eBae.
That’s nice Julia that you lost your keys and posted it on FB. I’ve lost my mind and I post it on twitter.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
*watches you carefully arrange the piles of paperwork on your desk
*waits for you to finish
*sets fan to “oscillate”
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!