@blopt

The entire city of Detroit burned down last night. Estimated damage is $6.

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@mahatmatweeter

That’s nice Julia that you lost your keys and posted it on FB. I’ve lost my mind and I post it on twitter.

@msevilroyslade

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

@loudmouth_usa

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

@Poutymcgee

*watches you carefully arrange the piles of paperwork on your desk

*waits for you to finish

*sets fan to “oscillate”

@MaybePileJokes

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

@Reverend_Scott

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

@gidget_76

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

@TragicAllyHere

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!