“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
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If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
God: it’s like a game
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain
[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs
At age 40 you gain the capacity to fall totally chemically head over heels in love with a refrigerator.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car