“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
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If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
📽️movie date🎞️
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Unimpressed
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?