@lecalabara

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

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@KrystiPryde

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

@LurkAtHomeMom

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

@KateWhineHall

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

@NoticablyBacon

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

@bornmiserable

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

@Reverend_Scott

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

@atanya1111

At age 40 you gain the capacity to fall totally chemically head over heels in love with a refrigerator.

@murrman5

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

@squirl_haggard

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car