The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

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I always wonder how Men managed to find entire continents.
Mine can’t even find the butter in the fridge.


Writing a good suicide note is hard, especially if you don’t know that person’s handwriting.


car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%


My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.


Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.


Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.


Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside


does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen


Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-



People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.