@_troyjohnson

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

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@heroinsdemise

I always wonder how Men managed to find entire continents.
Mine can’t even find the butter in the fridge.

@Modern_Psyche

Writing a good suicide note is hard, especially if you don’t know that person’s handwriting.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

@That_Damn_Duck

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

@envydatropic

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

@jordan_stratton

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

@dumbbeezie

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

@vvvolte

does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen

@Megatronic13

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

@ehdannyboy

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.