The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
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*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Battery falling down a hole
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends