@mrjohntofu

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

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@SaltyCorpse

This guy in this waiting room is talking to me.

I’m gonna marry him so he’ll leave me alone.

@AlexvanBeek

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

@wilnettleton

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

@P1ssed_K1d

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

@JessObsess

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

@anoticingsenpai

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

@Donna_McCoy

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

@Snarfernini

Me: Let’s have a fight with that guy you like

Brain: That’s not a good idea, he might actually like y…

Me: GOOD IDEA! WE ATTACK AT DAWN!