The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
You Might Also Like
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?