@girl_a_whirl: I like how this car asks me if it's safe to move in reverse. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

@brennadine: [Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws [Legs move wildly] THAT'S IT I'M WAKING HIM "No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie."

@drinksmcgee: *buys my kids a PlayStation 4 *kids use PlayStation 4 to watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games *starts drinking heavily

@sarcasm_inc: "2015 AND PETSMART STILL DOESN'T HAVE FITTING ROOMS," I say somewhat loudly as Fluffy has to try on sweaters right there in the aisle.

@michaeljhudson: What idiot named it the English Channel instead of the BB Sea