@Daddy_dougie: I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex.. He's a small arms dealer.

@AndrewNadeau0: Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week. I think Superman was pushing her.

@sara_ashlynn: My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She's in the shower & I'm wondering when she realizes it's Sunday. This is beautiful.

@BoogTweets: Me: Thank you for shopping at Walmart Her: *rolling over in bed* next time I pick what we role play

@TheToddWilliams: [candy store] ME: I'd like to return this Tic Tac. CLERK: It looks partially eaten. ME: It's still in... CLERK: Don't ME: ...mint condition.