@mrjohntofu: The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
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@girl_a_whirl: I like how this car asks me if it's safe to move in reverse. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
@brennadine: [Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws [Legs move wildly] THAT'S IT I'M WAKING HIM "No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie."
@drinksmcgee: *buys my kids a PlayStation 4 *kids use PlayStation 4 to watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games *starts drinking heavily
@sarcasm_inc: "2015 AND PETSMART STILL DOESN'T HAVE FITTING ROOMS," I say somewhat loudly as Fluffy has to try on sweaters right there in the aisle.