The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
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Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Have a lovely day 😊
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.