[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
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Here, take my advice. It’s not like I’m using it…
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Some lady at the gas station told me I was a giant prick, I smiled and said thanks….. I thought I was just average. 🍆😏
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse