The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!

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[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity


What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!


I swallowed my NyQuil with a 5 Hour energy and a latte and now my pet unicorn Steve and I are off to bake cheesecakes.


If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.


i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later


Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.


Some lady at the gas station told me I was a giant prick, I smiled and said thanks….. I thought I was just average. 🍆😏


I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?



moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse