The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
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*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO