The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
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I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
#CatsOnTwitter
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.