@clyderun

The ex hasn’t moved out yet. To make her uncomfortable I left a new box of condoms out on the table. She retaliated with a pregnancy kit.

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@aaroncoal

I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.

@SaltyCorpse

Yesterday I bought a ribeye.

Today I cooked it with mushrooms and onions and ate it before my kids got home.

I don’t even feel bad about it.

@Taylor_Stag

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

@karenphotog

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

@anthonyonmovies

Rian Johnson: good and bad are 2 sides of the same coin. the resistance and first order both obtain their weapons from the same people, and the only thing that separates the jedi from the sith is an outdated flawed code.

JJ Abrams: bad people have shark teeth lol

@crunchenhanced

If you say “cray cray” I’m going to punch you in the “fay fay”,

@NoticablyBacon

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

@SliNtuli

People focus too much on the treachery of the wolf in sheep’s clothing and not at all at the wolf’s exceptional sewing skills.

@ShadyLadyHH

I’m basically Switzerland.

I’m cold and you have to get really high in order to truly appreciate my beauty.