TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
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bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”