I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
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Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Bros before Ohioes
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
No Google it does not
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably