@stacywawa1

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

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@Social_Mime

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

@jimmytorosian

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

@StatusInBeirut

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

@SwedishCanary

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

@ShrinkMedia

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

@FilthyRichmond

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

@daemonic3

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

@Roxtalled

Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact?

Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they’ll know where to find me.

@LittleMissLizz

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

@HardDriveMag

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web