The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

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Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.


Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*


If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.


I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.


My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.


If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?


WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries


Boss: Why is Pizza Hut listed as your emergency contact?

Me: Because if things ever get crazy, they’ll know where to find me.


My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.


Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web