@RubyBottoms

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

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@IanDunt

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

@FU_TangClan

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

@bsnc64

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

@ChaseMit

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

@bridger_w

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

@Sanbel11

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.

@mommajessiec

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*