The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

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Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes


I just walked through a spiderweb and invented the next Macarena.


*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*


I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡


employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?


I appreciate when aerobic instructors say “Don’t forget to breathe” because I sometimes forget and then I die.


I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.


“Oh sweetie, it’s AMAZING! I’m going to save your artwork forever*!”

*until you go to sleep and I can bury it in the garbage so you won’t find it.


Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.