The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
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“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
this has done me in for some reason
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
You had me at “define legal”.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”