The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
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So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
me: i wish baguette was pronounced like spaghetti
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?
me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
When news reporters do sports stories