Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
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I just walked through a spiderweb and invented the next Macarena.
You know you’re drunk when the cat barks.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I appreciate when aerobic instructors say “Don’t forget to breathe” because I sometimes forget and then I die.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
“Oh sweetie, it’s AMAZING! I’m going to save your artwork forever*!”
*until you go to sleep and I can bury it in the garbage so you won’t find it.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.