I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
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“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree