The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
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2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Jesus Christ lmao
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.