THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

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I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.


I took my turtle for a walk. It’s been six months and we are finally at the end of my driveway.


If you like to spoon, you’ll love to spatula. That’s where I flip you over to make certain you’re done properly on both sides.


Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish


I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.


How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?


Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.


Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats


Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.