@Contwixt

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

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@Reverend_Scott

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

@Tuna_Lover

I took my turtle for a walk. It’s been six months and we are finally at the end of my driveway.

@professor_eks

If you like to spoon, you’ll love to spatula. That’s where I flip you over to make certain you’re done properly on both sides.

@benmekler

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

@skittle624

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

@broken_rhi

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

@jessokfine

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

@3sunzzz

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.