THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
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Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping