@TheAlexNevil

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

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@PaperWash

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

@realHamOnWry

As you grow older you’ll start feeling your body getting stiffer. But don’t worry … it’s just rigor mortis practicing for the big day.

@TheWoodenslurpy

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

@kimlockhartga

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

@dvoted_hubsand

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

@Sean_Burgundy_

Friend: All I want for Christmas is a new blender

Me: Wouldn’t you rather have your life together?

@Tommytoughstuff

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

@WilliamAder

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

@AndrewNadeau0

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.