The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
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Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?