The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
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5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Velcrow