@ericsshadow: [first date] I'm really nervous about this. It's been a long time since I've [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

@better_off_dad: ‘Dude - just get a watch.’ ~My FitBit

@Parentpains: "She must be shy" is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.

@Sanbel11: You haven't Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

@bobvulfov: doctor: and are u sexually active puppet: he is not doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn't come out of ur mouth me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not