@carlyken
@XplodingUnicorn
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
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@XplodingUnicorn
@thepaulahunt
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
@WheelTod
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
@thesulk
How do male civil unions not end with the phrase “I dude”?
@SvnSxty
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
@TweetPotato314
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
@nbadag
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
@juliussharpe
I’ll vote for whichever presidential candidate promises to end the banter before two people announce who won an Emmy.
@caithuls
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush