The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
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Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
finally found a reasonable question
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Not even remotely sorry.