The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

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One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.


Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there’s a prize at the bottom.


Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.


I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.


When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.


“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale


My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.


I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”


I want a firsthand test of the “mo money, mo problems” hypothesis.


Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.