@MarkAgee: All this "Kaine is boring" talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

@DavidSaidNada: You’re complicated? No shit so is my can opener.

@DiscoFruit: wanna feel old? this is eminem now:

@ThugRaccoons: Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents! Wife: I don’t like where this is going. Me: I call it a Hamster Dam. Wife: I’ll be at the bar

@kimtopher22: I don't lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they're welcome to it.