Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
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Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
How do male civil unions not end with the phrase “I dude”?
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I’ll vote for whichever presidential candidate promises to end the banter before two people announce who won an Emmy.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush