@carlyken

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

@thepaulahunt

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

@WheelTod

[Surgery]

Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy

@thesulk

How do male civil unions not end with the phrase “I dude”?

@SvnSxty

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

@TweetPotato314

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

@nbadag

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

@juliussharpe

I’ll vote for whichever presidential candidate promises to end the banter before two people announce who won an Emmy.

@caithuls

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush