The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
You Might Also Like
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent