date: i’m looking for a guy who doesn’t just want me for my body
me: [trying to impress her] well i think your body sucks
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
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Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Nothing says ” My divorce didn’t go as planned ” quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
When you’re at a sleepover and your friend doesn’t give you a blanket
[I am wearing a wedding gown at work]
BOSS: Do you have a minute to chat in my office?
ME: [lifting veil] I do