@Sanbel11

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

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@notviking

date: i’m looking for a guy who doesn’t just want me for my body

me: [trying to impress her] well i think your body sucks

@primawesome

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

@BellPupper

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

@Ristolable

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

@SJSchauer

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

@LivibelsDada

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

@Baldylockzzz

Nothing says ” My divorce didn’t go as planned ” quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars

@kashanacauley

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

@therealeatwood

[I am wearing a wedding gown at work]

BOSS: Do you have a minute to chat in my office?

ME: [lifting veil] I do