WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
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For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
#DesignFail
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Seismologists are loyal to a fault