The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Heroic Misunderstanding
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
this has to be peak English
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Beware of the “party goblin”…