We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
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“please do not expand the list by killing people.”
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I’d like to cancel my subscription to 2021.
I’ve experienced the 7 day free trial, and I’m not interested.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior