@Nickadoo

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

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@Cheeseboy22

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

@a_simpl_man

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

@Adyaces

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

@tartadepollo

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

@duumb

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.

@TimNoEgo

I’d like to cancel my subscription to 2021.

I’ve experienced the 7 day free trial, and I’m not interested.

@withanewname

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”

“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”

“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”

Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

@AndyRichter

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior