The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
You Might Also Like
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
when you order from DoorDastardly
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.