The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
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Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever