The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
You Might Also Like
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
This is my pinned tweet
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
This is the best one I’ve seen
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
My favorite type of men is ramen.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie