The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

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The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.


[first day in the Coast Guard]


Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.


When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.


Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion


Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!


Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.


Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up


Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO


FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.