@TheTweetOfGod

The fact that other bad things are happening is not an argument against fighting a particular bad thing.

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@snmrrw

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

@ThaJawn

Me:
*does interpretative dance

Translator:
*does translation dance

Chief:
*does interpretative dance

Translator:
*does translation dance

@lisaxy424

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

@dugglebutt

I’m just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Who is changing into a werewolf. Now I’m standing in front of a werewolf.

@Robinbuble

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

@LostFelicia

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

@bea_ker

*amateur magician does tablecloth-pulling trick, knocking everything over*
Cat in audience: Oh, this guy’s good