You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
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wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday