The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
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Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
No, YOUR illiterate.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?