The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

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since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin


my three kids wanted to do one of those taste challenges for a youtube video yesterday. The foods we chose were:

– smoked oysters
– weird crunchy cheese
– radishes
– canneloni
– kitkat ice cream

apparently the whole thing was a trick to get ice cream


launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076


*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent


My son just referred to a beaver as a “wood-eater”. So I mulled it over in my mind for a bit and it would seem he’s correct on two levels.


Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.


Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.


Establish dominance by licking the spoon and then putting it back in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.


*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook