The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
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Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”