The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
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I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped