@DaddyJew

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

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@LanieLalaBugs

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

@edheenan

If breaking a mirror is 7 years bad luck then breaking a condom is 18, right?

@seanforhire

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

@molly7anne

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

@karanbirtinna

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

@daemonic3

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.