@DaddyJew: The fact that there ain't no rest for the wicked is probably why I'm always so tired
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@MichaelTrying: "I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I'll make more." -Trees
@JermHimselfish: Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
@valenty__: Leo: *names his child Oscar* Doctor: "Would you like to hol-" Leo: "Say it like we rehearsed it." Doctor: *sighs* "And the Oscar goes to..."
@EndhooS: Cop: Are you drunk? Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants* Cop: WOW. Yes actually. Me: That was supposed to be a backflip