The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

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I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?


If breaking a mirror is 7 years bad luck then breaking a condom is 18, right?


i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers


Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping


*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?


[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do


I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.