The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
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The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow