The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
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“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.