The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
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My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
What the hell is going on?