@Laser_Cat

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

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@TFriss

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

@oakhillbargrill

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

@ericallenhatch

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

@daemonic3

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

@MelKassel

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

@NicestHippo

GOD: Done! Every animal niche perfectly filled

WOODPECKERS: We didn’t get anything

GOD: Oh. Uh…just pound trees with your face

@FilthyRichmond

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

@Scimommy

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

@steveffootball

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married