@Laser_Cat

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

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@portmanteauface

So far I’ve gained 20 pounds of pure muscle. It used to belong to pigs though, and something got lost in translation

@PinkCamoTO

My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.

@mojo_bones_

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

@oxygenplug

“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”

@Kryzazy

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

@ndchiappini

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

@bransonbranson

*puts on satin, full length pajamas for men, slips into bed* yes… time to text some girls the word ‘hey’ and only the word ‘hey’

@BrassBallsCJ

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.