I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– oh honey
– nobody would name their kid Trenton
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
GOD: Done! Every animal niche perfectly filled
WOODPECKERS: We didn’t get anything
GOD: Oh. Uh…just pound trees with your face
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married