The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men…

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*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*


Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there


Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands


With God all things are possible; but with money all things are probable. And with a good accountant, they’re all deductible.


*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*


I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT


I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”


Relationship status:

Sitting in Home Depot parking lot, car hood open, and asking men if they can jump me.