@Amiigat

The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men…

You Might Also Like

@david8hughes

Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages

@Sickayduh

“OMG I’m so wet right now”

– Me after washing a spoon

@shutupmikeginn

I just walked in on two coworkers crying in a conference room and I was like, “mind if I join?”

@TheBoydP

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

@iinkedZombie

Flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that on the plane.

Me: this is my emotional support chainsaw.

@iwearaonesie

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

@liv_thatsme

(Boyfriend reaches for an old Target bag to line the trash can)

Me: NOT THE NICE TRASH BAGS

@junejuly12

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store