“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
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Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
My dog learned how to text
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.