Copy Editor is a rewording career.
The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men…
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Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
“OMG I’m so wet right now”
– Me after washing a spoon
I just walked in on two coworkers crying in a conference room and I was like, “mind if I join?”
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that on the plane.
Me: this is my emotional support chainsaw.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
(Boyfriend reaches for an old Target bag to line the trash can)
Me: NOT THE NICE TRASH BAGS
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store