@Amiigat

The fact that there is even such a thing as ugly hookers tells you pretty much all you need to know about men…

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@panmidwest

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

@louisvirtel

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

@human_not_bees

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

@skittle624

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

@VVanGone

I’m around a bunch of people right now remembering why I don’t like being around a bunch of people

@Gupton68

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

@sageboggs

ME: why am I always anxious? maybe watching TV will help-
NEWS: IF THE HURRICANE DOESN’T KILL YOU, CLOWNS WILL

@joshweller

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

@Chumpstring

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down