*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
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Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??