The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
emergency phone
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state