Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
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Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
A man of commitment.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.