The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
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Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.