INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
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Avenge me! But only through passive aggressively commenting loudly around my murderer how great it would be to still have me alive.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
“I’d pap that.” – Gynecolgist
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
[heading to any family function]
Me: uh oh..I spilled some tequila
Me: down my throat
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.