The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

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INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside


Avenge me! But only through passive aggressively commenting loudly around my murderer how great it would be to still have me alive.


Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.


Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.


AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless


imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever


[heading to any family function]

Me: uh oh..I spilled some tequila

Gf: where?

Me: down my throat


If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.


I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.