@donni

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

You Might Also Like

@HansGrubertron

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

@Gooooats

Avenge me! But only through passive aggressively commenting loudly around my murderer how great it would be to still have me alive.

@Midgetspar

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

@DanAaronKing

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

@humanaaron

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

@markydoodoo

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

@DaddyJew

[heading to any family function]

Me: uh oh..I spilled some tequila

Gf: where?

Me: down my throat

@AaronFullerton

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

@highwayhooligan

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.