The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
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Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray