The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
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Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
“Huge”.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake