“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
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judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.