@OhNoSheTwitnt

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

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@UnFitz

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

@decentbirthday

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

@nice_mustard

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

@jctwritesstuff

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

@ilovepie84

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

@JurassicPark2go

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

@dril

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

@RunOldMan

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.