The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
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There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run