The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
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ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Monday?
No. Next question.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I hope Alan is OK
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.