The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
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‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I cannot stop laughing at this
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
How it started How it’s going
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields