@Marcmywords2

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

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@sammyrhodes

Never understood Monopoly. It’s like saying, “Hey we’re stressed out about real $, so let’s play a game & get stressed out about pretend $.

@Smooheed

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

@michaelianblack

Internet, just because I bought shoes from you once doesn’t mean I’m going to do it again. You’re coming across as desperate.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

@NomDeBenoit

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

@Book_Krazy

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

@JasonLastname

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow