“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
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When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
stranger: can i talk to you about Jesus?
me: *explodes into a thousand bats and flies into the nearest Arby’s
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
“I’ve had sex.”
I’ll stab someone if they hurt my kids. Or touch my nachos.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp