The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

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Never understood Monopoly. It’s like saying, “Hey we’re stressed out about real $, so let’s play a game & get stressed out about pretend $.


*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*


Internet, just because I bought shoes from you once doesn’t mean I’m going to do it again. You’re coming across as desperate.


My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.


Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him


Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*



Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow