The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
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Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Merry Christmas
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
One venti cheeseburger please.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.