The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
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The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”