A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
You Might Also Like
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.