@Sean_Burgundy_

The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone

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@hello_saylor

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

@HatfieldAnne

To everyone I ever mocked for accidentally running your earbuds through the washer: I have some news that will please you.

@roboticcrab

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

@sammyrhodes

Every time I lose a sock I like to imagine it went to set one of Dobby’s house elf friends free.

@StainsQueen

I have a joke about the pandemic but it’s taking too long to finish

@SvnSxty

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench