The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone

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[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up


Looks like I’m finally going to meet my twitter crush, don’t know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles


I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren’t any dinosaurs approaching.


Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”


Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.


Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.


Astrology person: what’s your siiiiggnnnnnn

Me: I think I’m a stegosaurus


Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.


Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.