@Sean_Burgundy_

The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone

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@titanmoon10

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

@venkaiceprinces

Looks like I’m finally going to meet my twitter crush, don’t know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles

@lejessica

I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren’t any dinosaurs approaching.

@AllieGoertz

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

@StarWarsProblms

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

@JoParkerBear

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

@blackr0se_x

Astrology person: what’s your siiiiggnnnnnn

Me: I think I’m a stegosaurus

@abhorrent_wife

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

@WilliamAder

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.