@smithsara79: The fastest land animal is me when I'm upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
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@dlsims01: A woman always gets the last word in an argument, because anything a man says after that is the first words in a new argument.
@JustDontBugMe: Mom: Why didn't you answer your phone? M: I was in a lecture. Mom: Where are you now? M: Walking the dog. Mom: You need better excuses. M: It's the truth. Mom: Then put the dog on.
@AndrewChamings: her: why is there a duck on your shoulder? me: he’s my life coach her: you wanna go to olive garden? *duck whispers in my ear* me: that’s a yes