@smithsara79: The fastest land animal is me when I'm upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@: me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building] me: so really i did you guys a favor
@tastefactory: PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
@Elizasoul80: I'm gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
@JessObsess: I never leave home without my phone charger but I'm always unprepared in every other way.