Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
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I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.