The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
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everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Bringing home a sharpie
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.